I’m a therapist— and I have OCD: My experience with ERP
It wasn’t until I was 29 that I realized the hell of rumination I had been living in for the previous two years was the biggest spike of OCD I had ever experienced.
Today, I’m an OCD therapist specializing in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), but getting here was deeply personal. Before I was helping clients understand OCD, I was trying to understand my own.
Obsessions and compulsions had trickled into my life here and there in different forms at different points, but I didn’t recognize it for what it was. It wasn’t until I was 27, two years after my mom passed away, that my symptoms of intrusive thoughts and reassurance seeking really began to rear their head.
My Experience With Relationship OCD (ROCD)
I had just started a new relationship with someone I thought was destined to be my forever person.
And suddenly, my mind was consumed with questions.
Did that kiss feel right?
Am I attracted enough to him?
Are we meant to be together?
What if I’m making the wrong decision?
I would constantly check my feelings and my body, looking for some sense of certainty that I was “good enough” in the relationship or that I was making the right choice.
But the more I checked, the less certain I became.
The more I tried to figure out how I felt, the more confused I felt. And the more I ruminated, the more exhausting everything became.
Eventually, the relationship deteriorated. And while there were certainly factors beyond OCD that contributed to that, I began to see how much my compulsive thinking and checking had affected the way I experienced the relationship.
Then, just when I thought I had figured out what was happening, OCD changed the subject. First, it was relationship OCD. Then health anxiety. Then moral OCD. Then, somehow, I found myself right back where I started. It felt like I was constantly trying to solve a new problem. For a long time, I thought I just had really bad anxiety. But eventually, I started researching different forms of anxiety and came across OCD.
Suddenly, so many things began to make sense.
How ERP Helped Me Break the OCD Cycle
Eventually, I found a therapist who specialized in OCD, and I started Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).
ERP was terrifying! And, at the same time, it was one of the most freeing things I had ever done. Because ERP asked me to do the exact opposite of what OCD had trained me to do. Instead of answering every question my brain threw at me, I learned to allow uncertainty. Instead of checking, I practiced not checking. Instead of analyzing my feelings over and over again, I practiced letting them exist without needing to figure them out. And slowly, I started getting my life back. I wasn't spending hours stuck in my head, my relationships became healthier, I became more comfortable with uncertainty. I stopped needing to feel 100% certain before I could move forward and started living my life instead of constantly trying to solve it.
Becoming the therapist I needed
Around the same time I began ERP, I started specializing in OCD and ERP myself. There was something incredibly meaningful about learning how to treat OCD while simultaneously learning how to stop letting it run my own life. I began to understand something I wish I had known much earlier:
OCD isn't just about having intrusive thoughts. It's about the cycle that develops when we respond to those thoughts with compulsions.
Those compulsions can be obvious, like checking, reassurance seeking, or avoidance. But they can also be much more subtle.
Rumination.
Mental reviewing.
Comparing.
Checking how you feel.
Googling.
Seeking reassurance.
Trying to find the “right” answer.
All of these can keep the OCD cycle going.
And because OCD can take so many different forms, it isn't always immediately recognized. Research has found that people with OCD often experience significant delays between symptom onset and receiving appropriate treatment. For me, learning about OCD changed everything. Learning how to treat it changed even more.
I still have OCD.
Let’s be honest, I still have OCD and it’s a battle at times, but I can see the battlefield now. I’m not going in blind.
I don't think becoming an OCD therapist means I never experience OCD symptoms anymore. I still have intrusive thoughts. I still have moments when an old theme—or a completely new one—tries to pull me back into the cycle.
The difference is that I recognize what is happening now. I don't have to figure out whether the thought is true. I don't have to make the anxiety go away. I don't have to get certainty before I can move forward. I know how to respond differently. And that has given me so much more freedom. OCD may still knock on the door (or knock it down) sometimes, but I get to choose how to respond.
If you see yourself in this
If you spend hours analyzing your thoughts, checking your feelings, asking for reassurance, researching your fears, or trying desperately to reach a feeling of certainty, you may be dealing with OCD rather than what feels like ‘just anxiety'.
And if you've ever thought, “But I know this thought doesn't make sense— so why can't I just stop thinking about it?” you're not alone.
I know how frustrating that can feel because I've lived it. AND I also know that OCD is treatable. Finding effective OCD treatment changed the trajectory of my life. For me, that treatment was ERP. ERP gave me back parts of my life that I didn't realize I had handed over to OCD. Now, as a therapist specializing in OCD and ERP, I get to help other people do the same.
You don't have to wait until you feel certain to start living your life.
You can learn to live alongside uncertainty—and find freedom on the other side of it.
What Is ERP Therapy for OCD?
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is an evidence-based treatment for obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). ERP involves intentionally facing situations, thoughts, sensations, or uncertainties that trigger anxiety or obsessive fears while practicing resisting compulsions and other behaviors that keep the OCD cycle going.
That’s all a fancy way of saying: we practice facing the things that feel scary while learning that we don’t need to perform compulsions or eliminate uncertainty to move forward.
For me, ERP meant learning that I didn't have to answer every question OCD gave me. I didn't have to analyze whether I was attracted enough to someone, determine whether a thought meant something about me, or seek certainty about whether I was making the “right” decision. I learned that I could experience uncertainty without trying to eliminate it.
That's one of the biggest lessons I now bring into my work as an OCD therapist.
OCD Therapy in Albuquerque, NM and Virtually in Texas
If you're in Albuquerque, NM, or across Texas, and this story feels familiar, I want you to know that you don't have to figure it out alone.
I provide OCD therapy using Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) for individuals struggling with obsessive thoughts, compulsions, rumination, reassurance seeking, and anxiety. My approach is focused on helping you break free from the OCD cycle and build a life that isn't dictated by the need for certainty.
If you're ready to explore whether OCD therapy is right for you, you can learn more about working with me here.
